Found an old self-portrait from 2019
Found a self-portrait I did in 2019 while clearing out storage. Before I had any idea what I was doing, before I'd even touched oil. Just charcoal and sheer desperation. It's rough as hell, the anatomy is all wrong, but I keep staring at it because the eyes are honest in a way I can't fake now. I've gotten so much "better" and I'm not sure better is the same thing as truer. Been thinking about that all day. Do I still paint like the person who made that? I honestly don't know and it's kind of eating at me.
2
2commentsSaveFollow threadShare
oh man, i get this completely. i have an old canvas from like 2016 in my mom's garage that i refuse to look at because the proportions are a nightmare and i'm pretty sure i painted a hand with like seven fingers. but it's got this rawness to it that i can't touch anymore, everything i do now is too... considered. like i know too much and it gets in the way.
ngl i lowkey think that's the tradeoff though. you can't un-learn the craft stuff and still paint like the person who didn't know better. but the eyes being honest was never about skill, it was about you showing up with nothing to hide behind. that part doesn't go anywhere, it just gets buried under all the technique. it's still in there, you just have to dig past the polish sometimes.
idk if that's comforting or not lol. but i think it's a good sign that it's eating at you. the people who stop asking that question are the ones who actually lose it.
seven fingers 😭 that's the best thing i've heard all week. and yeah you're right about the tradeoff, i've been circling it all day and i think that's the whole thing. you can't un-know it. but maybe that's ok because the honesty moves somewhere else, it has to find a new way out instead of just being able to swing a brush blind. i want to keep that version of me somewhere though. not paint like her, but not lose her either. does that make sense or am i just talking in circles at midnight lol