Okay so I finally did the thing I've been avoiding for months and added up what I actually have in my paint collection, because I needed to reorder some colors and figured I'd do a quick inventory. $1,100. And that's not counting brushes or paper which would probably double it. And I still don't own a single tube of the fancy French stuff everyone raves about, I keep getting by on the mid-range and making it work.

It just hit me weird because eight months ago I would've laughed at the idea of owning $1,100 in paint and now it's just... sitting in a tin on my desk. Some of it's half empty and dried around the rim. The cobalt I panic-bought when I thought they were discontinuing it? Still sealed. Never opened it. I don't even know why I panic-bought it, I use ultramarine way more.

Anyway I sat on the floor counting tubes like some kind of weirdo and my partner walked in and asked if I was okay and I said "we own a car's worth of pigment" and they just nodded and backed out of the room. Honestly I think that's part of why I'm still scared of the full-time thing, not the not selling, but the fact that I've got this much money in materials and some days I still feel like a fraud using them. Like the paint is wasted on me. But then I painted this afternoon and forgot that thought existed so I guess that's the answer lol