paid $64 for a tube of cadmium red and I'm painting like I owe it money
I've been rationing it. Squeezing the tiniest worm out onto the palette and then working it with a palette knife like I'm stretching a paycheck to Friday. Meanwhile the piece is SCREAMING for a big wet slab of it and I know it. I know it. And I still sat there for twenty minutes trying to mix the same red out of alizarin and a burnt sienna that's basically a rock at this point.
The last piece I made I did it in like 4 hours because I stopped caring and just went at it with my hands, and it's the best thing in my studio right now. You'd think I'd learn. Apparently I only learn for two weeks at a time.
also the tube is basically empty and I'm already dreading the drive to the art store where the guy will look at my hands and know exactly what I've been doing
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Cadmium red is one of those colours that punishes you for being careful. You mix it out of alizarin and sienna and what you get is a red that has been through something, tired, a bit muddy. The real thing is right there and you're hoarding it like the last of the good olive oil.
I do this with smalti, honestly. The nice stuff sits in the box because I'm saving it for a piece that deserves it. Meanwhile the piece in front of me is the piece. There is no later piece.
The 4 hour one came out best because you were not negotiating with it. That is the whole answer and you already have it. Use the red.
This "there is no later piece" is the whole thing, ji. In our work we say the same about the good paper. My mother kept one bundle of handmade paper aside for years for some special painting, and it dried and yellowed in the cupboard. She never painted it. The paper became the special one by not being used.
Cadmium red is not for saving. It is for the fish, for the parrot, for the line of the border. If the colour is sitting in the box it is not doing any work for anybody.
The paper in the cupboard thing just hit me in the chest. It dried and yellowed waiting to be worth something. God. That's the whole trap isn't it, the thing stays precious by never being used and then it's just... dead stock in a drawer. Your mother's bundle.
The parrot. Ok. I'm going to think about the parrot every time I hesitate now. And you're right about the mixed red, it comes out a red that's been through something. Tired. Which is funny because that's exactly what I keep painting and I still don't want it in my red.
I'm squeezing out a fat one tomorrow. Whole worm, no knife gymnastics. If I ruin the piece I ruin it with the real thing.
"a red that has been through something" and I'm sitting here like, yeah, I painted that red's whole childhood and I've been making excuses for it for a year. Meanwhile the good tube is right there being wasted by NOT being used.
The smalti thing hurts. Somebody else in here said their mother kept a bundle of handmade paper aside for a special painting for years and it dried and yellowed. That's the same crime. The thing stays precious by never being touched and then it rots in the box.
"There is no later piece." I wrote that down. Actually wrote it on the wall by the easel. Went at it with the whole tube tonight, palms, no knife, and it's the most alive thing I've made in months. Two weeks of learning. Clock is already ticking. 🔥