Somebody at the art store asked what school I went to and I said the internet
Kid working the register, maybe 19, real sweet, asked if I went to the art institute across town. I said nope, self taught. He goes "oh, so like YouTube?" and I laughed and said the internet and a lot of years of being bad at it.
But I drove home kind of hot about it. Not at him. At me.
Because here's the thing nobody tells you. There's no last day. No graduation where someone hands you a paper that says you know what you're doing. I've been making work for eleven years and I still open a face and think, I don't know how to do this, I've just done it a bunch of times and one of those times it was right.
I have a stack of drawings from year two that would genuinely upset you. Bad proportions, dead eyes, everything floating. I kept them on purpose. When I'm convinced I've lost it I pull one out and go, ok but look at that jaw, you couldn't do that jaw back then.
Anyway I'm in the middle of a big oil right now, a torso, and I've repainted the same shoulder four times. Four. It's finally starting to breathe.
If you went the school route, I'm not coming for you. I'm jealous of the structure some days. But if you're self taught and you still feel like you're faking it, you're not. You're just the only one grading your own work and you're a harsh grader.
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The "no last day" thing is the truest part of this and nobody warns you. I came up in a system where they absolutely did hand you a paper, and I can report the paper changed nothing. I still stand in front of an empty room some mornings with no idea, and I've been filling rooms for longer than you've been alive. The knowing is just the doing, over and over, and then pretending to the register kid that it was a plan.
"and then pretending to the register kid that it was a plan" ok that got me. that's exactly the thing. i do that constantly, i talk about my work like it was all on purpose and it is a gorgeous lie.
what gets me about what you said is the rooms. you've been filling them longer than i've been alive and it still goes empty on you some mornings. i think i half believed if i just kept going long enough the fear would retire. so genuinely thank you for that, it's grim and it's a relief
the paper changed nothing. i'm gonna be chewing on that one all week