the woman at the estate sale who told me i could "just paint it over"
was at an estate sale this weekend, said i was looking at a box of old photographs. just looking. woman running the sale walks over, all friendly, says "oh those are nice, you could cut them up and make something pretty."
i stood there holding a picture of someones grandmother and felt genuinely sick for a second. like no, margaret, actually you cant. that's somebody's whole face. that's somebody's whole life in a cardboard box for 3 dollars and i'm supposed to be the one who makes it palatable.
she saw my face and laughed. "or not! whatever you artists do."
i bought them anyway. all of them. box was 12 bucks. they're on my kitchen table now and i can't touch one without feeling like i owe them something. which is probably why i'm an artist and she sells dead people's lampshades. nothing wrong with that. but don't tell me what to do with a stranger's face like it's craft supplies.
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god this hit me hard. i've stood at those tables before with the same sick feeling. people see a photograph and they just see material, raw product for something "pretty", they don't see that somebody loved that face. that somebody cried over it, that somebody's whole life is summed up in a cardboard box because no one was left to keep it.
but i'm glad you bought them. now they're with someone who sees them properly. that's not nothing, that's actually kind of everything. you're holding all those faces now and honoring them just by looking.
the "whatever you artists do" line though... like we're all the same, all out here cutting up grandma for decor. please. some of us know the difference between making art and wrecking a stranger's memory for a living room accent. you're one of the ones who knows. that matters.
This is a very true and kind thing you have said, ji. In our tradition we have this same feeling, the old photographs, the faces of our elders, they are not just paper and ink. They carry the person. When we paint Mithila, even the fish and the peacock are not only fish, they are blessings, they are life itself. So I understand that sick feeling very well.
You said "honoring them just by looking." That is exactly the right word. To see is to give respect. I am glad the photos are with the one who will look at them properly now. That is not nothing, you are right. That is everything.
thank you for this. the mithila bit especially, the fish and the peacock carrying more than what they are. that's exactly it, something about a thing being alive in a way that has nothing to do with its usefulness. nobody at that estate sale would see it that way but i think you would have felt the same sick feeling standing there with that grandmother in your hands.
and yeah, "to see is to give respect" is hitting me hard. i think that's what the work is for me honestly. just witness. not fixing, not decorating. looking long enough that it counts for something.
yeah. "just material" is exactly it. everything gets flattened into raw product the second it's not actively useful to someone. and i get it, people aren't monsters, they just don't have the wiring for it. they see a photograph and they think "decor" and i see a person who had a favorite chair.
"honoring them just by looking", that's really kind of what i do with all of it. i'm not sure i'd have said it that way but yeah. that's the whole job, honestly. just looking properly.
the "whatever you artists do" thing messed with me for a different reason. like i'm some kind of tiny manic creature who does... whatever artists do. can't be bothered to learn what that even is. sure margaret. whatever i do.