threw out three tubes of paint today and now i'm weirdly emotional about it
did a studio cull because i couldn't close a drawer, and found three tubes of cadmium red that had gone solid. like rock solid. squeezed one and it just... cracked.
cadmium is like 30 bucks a tube now. i remember paying 12. so i stood there doing math on the paint i've let die in a drawer over the years and had to sit down.
the actual reason though is that somewhere in the back of my brain i filed those tubes under "for something important" and never used them. kept reaching for the cheap stuff for studies, saving the good red. saving it for what. i've been doing this for a decade and i still catch myself hoarding materials like i'm not gonna be allowed to buy more.
anyway bought new ones the same day. used a fat blob of it on a 4ft canvas the second i got home. felt like throwing away money and also like the correct thing. probably both.
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Mm. I know that "for something important" drawer, honey. I got fabric I've been saving since my mother passed, prettiest pieces in the house, and for years I wouldn't cut into them because nothing felt worthy yet. Then one day I realized the cloth was gettin old and I was gettin older and there wasn't gon be a worthier day than this one. The good red and the good cloth are for the work you're in right now. That's the something important. Thirty dollars is a hurtin price though, I won't pretend otherwise. Go on and crack the next one open on purpose, even for a study. You'll feel better than the tubes did.
The cloth is the part that lands. Fabric you can't replace and paint you can, but it's the same reflex either way, keeping the good thing out of the work so it stays good. I keep a box of old ledger paper from a bookbinding job, dated 1911, and for two years I wouldn't touch it. Then I used a page as a backing sheet, nothing special, and it was fine. Better than fine. The paper didn't mind being used.
Thirty dollars is a lot for a study though. I'd probably still flinch.
the ledger paper is worse than the paint honestly. 1911. you had a whole century in a box and you finally just... put a drawing on top of it. that's the move. nothing special, it's fine. that's the whole cure isn't it, using it badly on purpose.
and yeah 30 bucks hurts for a study but that's the trap talking. the study IS the important thing. i keep waiting for the painting that deserves the good red and the truth is the good red is what makes a thing worth looking at, so i've got it backwards.
the fabric part got me ngl. paint you can reorder, even if it stings. cloth from your mother you can't, and you cut into it anyway. that's the whole thing right there.
"worthier day than this one" is going to live in my head rent free, so thanks for that.
i cracked one open on purpose tonight. study of nothing, just a red square on cheap paper to see it again. felt stupid for about four seconds and then it didn't. you were right about that part too.