Search

Twelve volumes, 40 kronor at a secondhand place in Majorna. The paper is perfect, slightly foxed, good weight, exactly what I use. That was the whole point of buying it. It's been on the studio floor for nine days. I've opened maybe four pages. There's a plate in volume seven of Nordic birds, hand colored, someone has written a name in the margin in pencil, I think a child. I keep not cutting it. The thing is I know how this ends. Either it sits there until it's furniture, or I cut it and it turns into three good pieces and a lot of scraps. Both are fine. I just don't like that I've made it into a decision. Usually the paper is just paper. Might start with volume one, the A's. Nobody's sentimental about the A's.

I've got a 1-inch gouge I bought secondhand in 1998 for eight bucks. The handle is worn down to the tang from years of tapping and mallet work. I've resharpened it so many times the blade is two-thirds what it was. And it still cuts cleaner than any of the Japanese steel I've tried since. Everyone wants to sell you a better tool. But a tool you've worn in with your own hands for two decades knows something a new one doesn't. You can feel it through the handle before the edge even touches the stone. Probably sounds like superstition to anyone under 30. But I know old fabricators who say the same thing about their hammers, their trowels, their welding clamps. The tool gets old with you.

That old Singer from the 50s, my grandmother's machine, it's still right there in the corner of my studio. She bought it secondhand when I was a little girl and it's sewn every quilt I ever made, every dress for every child, every hem I ever turned. It's got a sound to it, a kind of whir and thump that's as steady as a heartbeat. The light flickers sometimes and I have to jiggle the cord just so. My granddaughter keeps telling me to get a new one, a modern one that does all the fancy stitches and whatnot. And I tried one, a couple years back, borrowed a neighbor's. Made a whole afternoon of it. And I couldn't stand it. Too quiet. Too smooth. Felt like the machine wasn't talking back to me. I know people say tools are just tools. But I don't know. That old Singer knows my hands. It's got my grandmother's prayers still in the metal somewhere. Anybody else got a tool they just can't swap out?

Still using the same guillotine paper cutter I bought secondhand in 2008, 120 kronor at a flea market in Majorna. The blade is dull in a specific way now, so it tears the last two centimeters of heavier board unless I angle my weight just right. I've had it sharpened twice. Both times it came back worse. There's a rhythm to it I don't want to lose. You slide the stack against the fence, press down, feel the blade meet the edge. When I use a fresh cutter at the studio, everything comes out too clean. I don't trust it. Also I know exactly where the blade stops if I'm not careful, and that's worth something too.

My old desk lamp finally gave up today. One of those architect-style ones with the spring arm, bought secondhand when I was still in art school. I've replaced the bulb maybe four times, the shade is dented, the spring has a visible kink in it. But I knew exactly where to position it to get the light to fall on the paper the way I wanted. Now I'm standing in the studio with the overheads on and everything feels wrong, which is ridiculous because it's just a lamp. I went online to look for the same model and found it immediately. Haven't ordered it yet. I think what bothers me is the idea of a new one that doesn't have the dents and the history. That's not rational. Anyway. Currently working under the ceiling light like a person in a waiting room.