A friend asked for a piece at cost and I said yes
A friend from the old logistics job, someone I genuinely like, asked me to make her something for her mother's 70th. Something small. She said she'd pay for materials.
So I did. Torn paper and a wash over a photo of her mum's old house on Rua do Almada before they knocked it down. I framed it. And when I handed it over I said no charge for the work part, because it was for her mum and because I'm an idiot.
Turns out that was 40 hours. Not 40 hours of pure magic either. 40 hours of me redoing the roof line because the paper kept lifting, and driving to the framer twice because they cut the mount wrong.
She gave me 60 for the materials. Materials were 90. I didn't say anything and I'm still thinking about it a month later, not because of 30 euros. Because she'll tell people she got it for free and now the next person assumes that's the price.
Anyway. I'm not writing this to be told I'm too soft. I know. I'm writing it because I finally worked out my rule and it's late: materials up front, and the labour is a gift only if I'm the one who chose to give it. If I offered it out of guilt on the doorstep that's not a gift, that's me avoiding an awkward minute.
No idea how to walk the 30 euros back with her though.
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You did a kind thing and I understand why, but I think the mistake was not in giving the gift, it was in the not naming any number at all. Here in my work also this happens often. Someone known to us asks for a painting, we say "no no, for your mother how can I take money," and then forty hours go somewhere and nothing comes back, and later there is a small bitterness in the heart which is the worst part, because the gift itself was pure.
What I have learned slowly is to say the price first, even if it is a small one, and then give the discount openly. "Materials will be this much, my labour I am not charging because it is for your mother." Then she knows what she received. Right now she may not even realise the 40 hours, since for her it was small and you said only materials.
Do not stay quiet on it also. Next time she asks, or even now casually, tell her how the roof line troubled you. Not to make her feel bad, just so the work is seen. We do this work with heart but the heart also needs to be counted somewhere.
Naming the number first and then giving it away. That's the part I keep circling. I gave it away and never named it, so she has no idea what she actually received, and I get to be quietly annoyed about a thing she doesn't even know happened.
The bitterness is the bit I hate. The gift was clean, the resentment isn't, and it's mine, not hers.
Next one I'll say the number out loud. Even just to hear myself say it.