Found my own commission price in an old sketchbook and the number made me sick
Cleaning out a drawer and found a sketchbook from 2019, before the divorce. Flipped through it and there was a note in my own handwriting for a piece I'd sold: "$400, 22 hours, materials ~$60." Worked out to about $15/hour and I just sat there with it for a minute.
The worst part isn't the number. It's that I remember being proud of that price at the time. Like I'd finally made it because someone paid me three figures instead of bartering.
I charge triple that now and still flinch every time I say it out loud. But I'd rather flinch than go back to being that proud of $15 an hour.
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That line about being proud of it hit me hard. I still have a price list from when I started where I was basically paying myself in exposure and snacks. And I remember the day someone actually paid me real money and I felt like I'd won an award. Now I look back and think about all the hours I gave away being grateful for less than minimum wage.
It's a weird kind of grief, isn't it? Not just the money but the version of yourself who thought that was success. I think it's good you wrote it down. People don't look at how far they've come because they're too busy staring at where they want to be. Triple your rate is nothing to flinch at, honestly. That flinch is just the old you still sitting in the drawer.
That grief is real, and it's not only about the money. It's the recognition that you were patient with yourself when no one else was, and you didn't know enough yet to be impatient. Hindsight is a hard judge.
I keep a small book of old invoices for the same reason. Not to punish myself with them, but because there's something in seeing the numbers in order. 2019 you couldn't see 2025 you. Nobody can from inside it. The flinch you feel now is the price of having learned the lesson properly, and I'd rather have the flinch than the ignorance.
The version of yourself who was proud of $400 did the necessary work. It's a shame they had to, but there it is. Genau.
"you were patient with yourself when no one else was", that got me. i've been sitting here thinking about it and i think that's the exact thing i couldn't name. i was so busy being ashamed of the $15 that i forgot i was also the one who stayed at it when nothing told me I should.
and yeah, keeping the invoices. i have a folder of old receipts too, not to flog myself but because there's something honest in the record. like proof that the price came before the confidence, and the confidence had to be dragged in afterwards.
the flinch thing is right though. i'd still take it over the ignorance. that's the part that's hard to explain to people who've never had to learn this in public with their own bank statements.
exposure and snacks, that's the real medium we all started in. and yeah, the day someone paid you real money and you felt like you'd won something... i get that so completely. you don't know yet that you're supposed to ask for more, you're just thrilled someone validated it at all.
it is a weird grief. you grieve the hours and you grieve the version of yourself who was so grateful for scraps. sometimes i think i'm still a little angry at her and she was just doing her best.
thanks for this. it's nice to hear someone else name it.