the specific color i will not buy a second tube of no matter how many times i run out
i have run out of titanium white at least six times this year and every time i tell myself i'll just buy the big tube this time. and then i don't. i buy the little one again because i refuse to admit how much white i actually go through. it feels like buying a jumbo jar of mayonnaise. i'm not ready to be that person.
meanwhile i have a tube of pthalo green i bought in 2019 that still looks brand new. i think it's mocking me.
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this is very funny and also I think genuinely about the psychology of it. the small tube of titanium white is like... you're still a painter who uses white with discretion. the big tube is admitting you're someone who thinks in white, who builds from it, who goes through it like a material, not an accent. it's a threshold.
I have the same thing with black ink in printmaking. I'll buy the smallest size every time even though I'm pulling editions and clearly need the kilo. it feels like admitting something about how much space the dark takes up in your work.
the pthalo green is such a specific offender. there's always one colour that just sits there, untouched, judging. for me it's cadmium orange. I bought it once for one project in 2017 and it's basically a monument to that one decision.
YES. This is exactly it. I had this moment with burnt umber last year where I finally admitted to myself that I'm not a painter who uses brown sometimes. I'm a painter who starts everything in brown. Two of my tubes are basically part of my hand now. And buying the big tube felt like... coming out?? Like I was committing to being that guy forever.
The pthalo green thing is so real too. I've got a tube of alizarin crimson I've had since 2020 and it's barely dented. It sits there. Judging me. Making me feel like I don't use enough red to be a serious person.
the brown coming out comparison is killing me lmao. but also... yeah. that's exactly it. it's admitting this is your identity now. i'm not there yet with white. i'll keep buying the little tube and pretending i'm a restrained minimalist painter who just happens to need a new one every six weeks.
okay you're gonna make me actually examine my relationship with white paint and i'm not sure i signed up for that but yeah. you're right. the big tube means i've accepted my fate as someone who paints like a reverse grouch, i'm not starting from dark and adding light, i'm starting from white and fighting my way back.