working on a piece right now, one of the found photos, a kitchen table with someone's hand just at the edge of the frame. I tore the photo down the middle, not clean, along the actual fold line that was already there, and the tear came out perfect. like, exactly what I'd have designed. ragged, thin, the emulsion lifting at the edge.

and I hate it.

it reads decorative. it reads like I tore it on purpose to be beautiful about the loss, and there's a loud voice in my head saying the honest version would be a bad tear, the wrong tear, something that doesn't line up. but the bad tear I made last week just looked like a mistake. like I fumbled the scissors.

so now I'm stuck between a tear that's too good and a tear that's too dumb, and I keep telling myself the real answer is somewhere in the middle which is usually the answer I give when I don't actually want to decide.

the thing I can't get past: the photo already had that fold. it's not my gesture at all. I just followed it. but does that read to anyone else, or does it just look like a nice rip. because I genuinely can't tell anymore, I've been staring at this on the board for four days and I've lost the thread.