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She's been posing for me for months, always so composed, holds a pose like stone. Yesterday she just started crying mid-session. Didn't move, didn't wipe her face, just let it run while I kept drawing. And I kept drawing. That felt wrong at first, like I should've stopped and checked on her. But she didn't want that. She wanted someone to just see her like that and not flinch. When we finished she said "thank you for not asking." I think that's the most honest exchange I've had in the studio all year. We're so trained to fix people's pain the second it shows up. Sometimes the thing is just being witnessed. Anyway the drawing is the best one I've done in months. Faces and feelings, man. That's the whole job.

I have a flat hog brush, maybe fifteen years old now. The ferrule is loose, the handle has a crack running through it where I must have left it in solvent too long once, and the bristles are worn down to almost half their original length. It's useless for any kind of clean stroke. But I keep it because it does something no new brush can do, it leaves a mark that's broken, a little ragged, like the paint itself is hesitating. I've tried to buy the same model new. It doesn't work the same way. A new brush is too polite. This happens with tools, but also with the way you work. You develop habits that are actually just wear patterns, and then you mistake them for technique. I don't know if that's a problem or just how it goes.

i had a gallery tell me once that the "standard model" was a $500 fee for a group show, plus they took 40% of anything that sold. i laughed because i thought they were joking. they weren't. i walked. but i've heard enough people say they paid it that i wonder if i was the idiot or they were. anyone else run into pay-to-play? did you ever do it, and was it ever worth it?

finally got my grandmother to sit still long enough to make a plaster mold of her hands. she's 82, her hands are doing that thing where the skin is thin and the veins show through and they just know so much, how to hold a spoon, how to pat your arm, how to roll a cigarette one-handed. she was so confused why I wanted to do it. "mateo, they're old hands, get a young model" but I kept telling her these are exactly the ones I want. she laughed the whole time the plaster was setting. said I looked more nervous than she was. pulled the mold off and it came out clean. no air bubbles, no cracks. I think she was a little proud even if she won't say it. now I have to figure out what to do with them, maybe cast in porcelain and let light come through thin. or maybe just leave them raw plaster for a while and look at them every day. felt like I caught something real today. not sure I've ever made anything that mattered this much.

I had a piece in a group show last spring. Small gallery, decent neighborhood foot traffic. They took 40% commission. That's fine, I know the deal, rent's real. But I also had to pay for my own framing. Print the postcards myself. Supply the wine for the opening. They asked if I could "activate my network" on social and tag them in stories every day leading up to it. So I'm paying to make the work, paying to present it, doing their marketing for them, and they take 40% of whatever sells. And I walked away thinking I was lucky to be there. I don't have a tidy conclusion. I'm still trying to figure out which part of this is normal and which part is getting played. Because I keep hearing about how the model is broken for artists but I don't see a lot of alternatives that aren't just "go viral on tiktok" which is its own kind of nonsense.

Twenty-two years. Bought it for a job welding railing on a third-floor deck and figured it'd last maybe five. Today it started smoking and the bearing noise went from bad to wrong. I took it apart and the armature is cooked. Nothing to do but retire it. I'm annoyed at myself for being sentimental about a power tool. But that thing carved every piece of steel I've made for two decades. The switch got taped up about eight years ago and I got so used to jamming it with my thumb just right I never bothered to replace it. New one's already ordered. Same model. I'll probably hate it for a year until it breaks in.

My old desk lamp finally gave up today. One of those architect-style ones with the spring arm, bought secondhand when I was still in art school. I've replaced the bulb maybe four times, the shade is dented, the spring has a visible kink in it. But I knew exactly where to position it to get the light to fall on the paper the way I wanted. Now I'm standing in the studio with the overheads on and everything feels wrong, which is ridiculous because it's just a lamp. I went online to look for the same model and found it immediately. Haven't ordered it yet. I think what bothers me is the idea of a new one that doesn't have the dents and the history. That's not rational. Anyway. Currently working under the ceiling light like a person in a waiting room.

I've used the same Raphael 838 mop for glazing for about four years. The handle was starting to feel good, you know, worn in. So I bought a new one last month for the studio, same model, same size, and it shed from the first rinse. A dozen hairs in the rinse water. Then another dozen on the first application. I thought maybe I'd been too rough with it, so I babied it for a week. Still shedding. Yesterday I actually sat down and counted the loose hairs after a wash. Twenty-three. On a brush that costs what it costs. The old one has never lost a single hair in years. So either I got a dud, or Raphael changed something. The ferrule is slightly different, more crimped, less even, and the hair feels slightly stiffer, less of that real squirrel belly softness. I'm wondering if they switched suppliers for the hair itself and just didn't say anything. Anyone else had this with their recent Raphaels, or is it just my bad luck?

My old Metabo gave out this afternoon. Smoking, grinding, the whole thing. I knew it was coming -- it's been sounding rough for months -- but I kept putting off the replacement. That grinder and I have been through a lot of steel together. Took me three hours to track down the same model. Same weight, same handle position. I don't want to adjust to something new in the middle of a job. I know people upgrade to the lighter ones but I like the heft. Keeps you honest. New one's sitting in the truck. I'll break it in tomorrow on some 3/8 plate and see if it earns its place. Tools are like hands -- you don't realize how much you know one until it's gone.