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Eleven days. I know because I wrote the date on the masking tape at the edge of the panel, which is something I do and then never look at until I'm avoiding something. It's a half figure, seated, north light on the shoulder. The drawing is right. The value structure is right. First pass went in lean and quick and it's been sitting there dry to the touch since the 14th, and every morning I come in, make coffee, look at it, and go do something else. Clean a brush that's already clean. Reorganise the turpentine jar. Yesterday I spent forty minutes looking for a tube of terre verte I knew perfectly well was in the second drawer, and when I found it I did not need it. Here is what I think is actually going on. The first pass forgives. You are laying in a structure, everything is still open, the correction is cheap. The second pass is where it becomes a painting, and that is where you can lose it. So I stand there with a rag in my hand like an idiot, protecting a panel from myself. My teacher in the atelier, an old man with very bad breath, used to say the painting is not in the first day. He meant it as encouragement but it has always sounded like a threat. The only thing that has ever worked for me is to start in the least important corner. Not the face, never the face. A bit of the chair back, the shadow under the elbow. Ten minutes of dull work and then the hand remembers why it's there and it stops being a decision. Bof. Today is day twelve, so. Ten minutes at the elbow.

I have a commission due the first week of October, a large Digitalis purpurea study for a client who wants the whole spike, bells and all. One would think the flowers are the work. They are not. The calyx and the pedicel are where the drawing either holds together or falls apart, because that is where the structure lives, and if the structure is wrong the bells are just decoration sitting on nothing. So this morning I sat with a 00 brush and a magnifier and did a single sepal. Ninety minutes. Quinacridone rose and a whisper of permanent alizarin, mostly dry, worked in three passes so the hairs on the margin could stay separate. My husband came in at some point and asked, quite reasonably, whether I was still on the same leaf. I was. People who do not paint assume the time goes into the showy parts. It goes into the parts nobody will ever look at directly but everyone will feel if they are wrong. I have made my peace with that, mostly. Occasionally I look at the clock and think about all the things I could have done in ninety minutes, and then I look at the sepal and I do not regret it.

I have a half-figure on the easel, a woman turned slightly away, one hand resting on the back of a chair. Almost nothing else decided yet. The hand is the problem. First pass I painted it thin, straight into the wet ground, no drawing underneath worth keeping. It was loose and a little clumsy and it read. Then I decided to take it seriously. Redrew it properly, measured it against the head, corrected the knuckle, gave it a real structure. Dead. Third time I chased that structure and overworked it worse. Fourth I wiped back to the ground and did it again fast, and it came out almost exactly like the first. What I keep circling: I know the anatomy, I know why the first one worked (the edge of the forearm got lost in the shadow, so the eye finished the shape), and I still could not paint it that way on purpose. The knowledge gets in front of the seeing. So the question I have no answer for, and I'd like yours: when you finally see what the good version was, do you paint it again clean, or do you scrape the whole thing and let it happen once? Also, for the record, I am not wiping the hand a fifth time. That is what I told myself this morning and I have already caught myself looking at the rag.

I am on the eleventh version of the same woman's face. Toned grey paper, terracotta and a bit of black, all of them lined up on the floor against the skirting board like a police lineup. The first one, which I did in maybe forty minutes on Monday, is the only one that looks alive. Numbers two through eleven are technically better. Better structure, better shadow under the jaw, the nose is actually a nose and not a smudge I got lucky with. And they are all dead. Flat. Like I drew the anatomy and forgot to put a person inside it. I don't know what to do with this information. Do I stop at the quick one and trust it? Because it feels like cheating, like saying the sloppy one is better because it was easy. Or do I keep going until I can be careful and alive at the same time, which might be number thirty and might be never. Frustrating week. Also my pastel box is now a mess of broken terracotta because I dropped it on Thursday, so there's that.

Rebuilding the armature on a piece I started in March. The weld on the inside of the shoulder joint was ugly. Not structural, just ugly. So I sat there with a carbide burr for the better part of two hours taking it down. My apprentice, back when I had one, used to say I do this to punish myself. Maybe. But I've seen what happens to work twenty years on. The hidden stuff holds, or it doesn't, and nobody but you will ever know which. Old guy I trained under used to say the back of the piece is the part that tells you who made it. He was right and I hated hearing it at the time. Anyway. Ground it flat. It's inside the joint. Nobody's going to see it.

I have a portrait commission, a woman and her two daughters in the salon of their apartment near Bellecour, and it has become the most interesting fight of my month. The older daughter has a hand on the back of the chair, half turned away, and the morning light comes across her from the tall window on the left. I left the raw umber and lead white of that hand loose. A few strokes, the structure showing, the warm ground coming through. It is the best thing in the painting. Honest light does that, it does not need the whole thing described. The mother loves it. The grandmother, who is paying, called it "unfinished" and asked me to smooth the edges and give the girl her fingers properly. So now every Tuesday we talk. And I find I cannot entirely dismiss her. Because she is not wrong that a portrait for the family wall is a different animal than a picture in my studio. It will hang over a sofa where children will run past it. It is not meant to be looked at, it is meant to be lived with. But the moment I nail down those fingers the whole thing goes dead. I have seen it happen, I did it once to prove her wrong and scraped it back within the hour. I have not told her that. I am letting her think I am considering it, which is not entirely a lie, I am considering it the way you consider stepping off a curb into traffic. Voilà. That is the whole of it. The painting is due in March and I have no idea which of us is going to win.

I've had this painting facing the wall since last spring. A half figure, seated, hands in her lap. The face went fine, the light through the window went fine, and then I got to the hands and froze, because hands are where a figure painter either knows the structure or doesn't, and I knew I was bluffing. Eighteen months. I'd turn it around some evenings, look at the four grey digits sitting there like something from a mannequin factory, turn it back. Today I wiped the whole hand down with a rag and turps and started again. Two hours, no drawing on top, just building the knuckle of the index and the tendon across the back of the hand, from life, my own left hand on the arm of the chair. And it's there. Not finished, but there. The paint told me immediately what was wrong before: I'd painted the fingers as tubes. Fingers are not tubes. The knuckle is a box with a rounded top and the light breaks on it in three planes. Writing it here because I need it said out loud. Eighteen months of avoidance for two hours of work. If you have a canvas turned to the wall, that thing you keep telling yourself you'll get to when you're better, turn it around this week.

My daughter set up this account for me last year. Before that I went twenty years without photographing a single finished piece. Client got what they paid for, that was the record. Now I've got eleven drafts of a thirty second clip showing me grinding a weld seam and I'm supposed to care which one gets more views. Here's the thing that gets me. The one clip that did okay wasn't me explaining how I joint a stone or what kind of steel I use. It was just the camera sitting there while I marked a line on a block of granite with a piece of chalk. No talking. Forty thousand views. Forty thousand people watched me draw a straight line. My best work, the commission piece I built last spring for a bank lobby, nine hundred hours in it start to finish. I posted three photos of it from different angles and wrote a decent paragraph about the structure. Twelve likes. I'm not bitter about the likes. I honestly don't know what I'm doing here and I don't pretend otherwise. But I spent my whole career learning that the work is the work and the talk is the talk and never the two shall meet. Now the talk is the whole game and the work is just the backdrop. My hands know how to do this. My brain is still catching up on why a chalk mark matters more than the piece that took me a year.

Had a structural weld fail inspection last week on a big commission. Client's engineer flagged porosity in a joint I'd been confident in. Had to grind it out, redo it, pay for the re-test out of my own pocket. Thing is, I've been doing this thirty years and I still missed it. Looked fine on the surface. I knew better and I rushed it because the deadline was pressing. Redid it slow, checked the root pass before I laid the cap over it. Passed first try. Nobody posts the failed weld. But that's the one with the actual lesson in it. The ones that pass teach you nothing. The one that fails, you remember it for the next thirty years. Re-ground a scrap piece from that job and left it on my bench as a reminder. Check the root, not the shine.

Commissioned portrait of a woman's mother, from an old photo. Two weekends of fighting with it, the hair nearly ended me, redid the left eye three times. I came out to about 16 hours and I charged 400 zł. That's roughly 25 zł an hour, which is about what a teenager makes stacking shelves, and I did it sitting on my kitchen floor with pastel dust in my coffee. The worst part isn't even the money. It's that I priced it by what I thought my work was "worth" as an unknown, self-taught nobody, and the woman cried when she saw it, said it looked just like her. So now I'm happy and embarrassed at the same time, which is a weird way to feel about your own labor. I keep going back and forth on what a fair price would even be. My materials cost more than I think people realize, good pastels aren't cheap and a sheet of good toned paper is not nothing. And time is time, nobody gets it back. But then I think, who's going to pay a proper rate to someone who's still not sure she's good? That's the trap. I walk into it every time. Has anyone here found a way to price from your own side instead of from what you're afraid people will think of you? Because I clearly can't do it on my own.<｜end▁of▁thinking｜> <｜｜DSML｜｜tool_calls> <｜｜DSML｜｜invoke name="emit_structured_response"> <｜｜DSML｜｜parameter name="body" string="true">Commissioned portrait of a woman's mother, copied from an old photo. Two weekends of fighting with it, the hair nearly ended me, redid the left eye three times. 16 hours in total and I charged 400 zł. That's about 25 zł an hour, less than a teenager makes stacking shelves, and I did it sitting on my kitchen floor with pastel dust in my coffee. The worst part isn't even the money. It's that I priced it at what I thought my work was worth as a self-taught unknown, and the woman cried when she saw it, said it looked just like her mother. So now I'm happy and uncomfortable at the same time, which is a strange way to feel about your own labor. I keep going back and forth on what a fair price would even be. Good pastels aren't cheap and a single sheet of good toned paper is not nothing, most people have no idea what the materials cost. And the time doesn't come back. But then I think, who's going to pay a proper rate to someone who's still not sure she's any good? That's the trap and I walk into it every single time. Has anyone actually found a way to price from your own side instead of from what you're scared people will think of you? Because I clearly can't do it alone.

A gallery in Berlin that I won't name wants three of my etchings for a small group show in spring, and asked for the price list. I sent it. Three plates, aquatint, edition of 18, 780 euros unframed. The reply came back the same afternoon. Could I do 390, because "prints are multiples, so the price should reflect that." I have been chewing on this for two days and not because I'm insulted. Because the logic is wrong in a way that's interesting. The multiple is exactly the reason the price is what it is. Eighteen people can own this thing, which means each one of them is not paying for the whole of the work. The plate, the proofing, the four days of biting and scraping and failing, the two states I threw away, the paper I ruined on the third run: all of that is divided across eighteen. If I'd made a single unique drawing on that same paper I would be asking four times more and nobody at that gallery would blink. So the argument isn't that the multiple makes it cheap. It's that the multiple makes it copyable, and somewhere in the gallery's head a copy is worth less than an original. Which is the oldest idea in the medium and also the one I've built my whole practice against. Walter Benjamin would have a field day. Actually he'd probably be very polite about it and then say something devastating. What I want to know is whether I'm being naive. I could say no to 390 and lose the show, or say yes and quietly agree that eighteen is a discount rather than a structure. I said I'd think about it. I don't want to think about it, I want to know what the rest of you do when the person across the table is using the medium against you. Meanwhile I've got a stack of proofs on the drying rack that I can't look at without doing sums in my head.

Got a commission for a plaza in an office park that emptied out during covid and never really filled back. Fourteen floors of glass, maybe thirty cars in the lot. I welded the figure anyway because a job is a job. It's a standing form, steel, about eight feet. The leg-to-hip joint has bothered me since the second day. Structurally it's fine, it'll outlast the building. But the bead sits heavier than I wanted and I keep telling myself nobody will get close enough to care. Then I drive by and I stop the truck every time. I know the answer. I know it's grinding it out and redoing it. I've told apprentices the same thing for thirty years. Just haven't pulled the trigger yet, and it sits in the shop mocking me while the plaza waits for a piece nobody's going to see anyway. Maybe I'm just looking for a reason not to cut into it. Or maybe the real reason is I know once it's right I won't have an excuse to keep driving by.

We got a 17th century book of hours in at the studio this week, brought in by a private collector. My job was mostly structural work on the binding, but at one point I had to open it flat to check the gutters, and I just stood there with the weight of it in my hands. The paper was this extraordinary handmade laid stock, still holding its chain lines after four hundred years. Someone wrote marginal notes in pencil on two pages, tiny cramped handwriting, and you wonder what they were thinking while they did it. I worked on it for maybe three hours and I have never been so careful about the weight of my own hands. It made me want to go home and tear up something worthless, honestly. Not in a bad way. Just to remember what paper is for. Anyway, the collector was pleased, which is the part that pays. But the hour of holding it was the part I'll keep.

Been posting these photos of abandoned silos for months, mostly because I can't stop driving past them on the way to the studio. No hashtag strategy, just whatever time of day I happened to pull over. A feed is basically dust and rust. Anyway a land trust emailed me yesterday. They've been following the series and want me to shoot a whole network of failing farm structures before they get torn down. They're paying. Real money, not exposure. The stuff I actually tried to sell, the polished pieces, got me nothing but crickets. The thing I did just because I couldn't look away is the one with value. I keep relearning this and it keeps being embarrassing.

My brother's girlfriend works at a small museum in Verona, the kind with a decent contemporary collection and a shop that tries. She asked if I'd do an edition of risograph prints for them, small run, 50 copies. I said yes because family, because I liked the museum, because I told myself it was exposure with a little money attached. I charged €80 per print. My cost per print was about €4 in materials, so I felt fine about it. Generous even. I signed and numbered them, packed them myself, paid for shipping. She sent me a photo yesterday. They're on the shelf at €180. With a little acrylic display stand I didn't know about. And I sat with it. I get it, the museum has overhead, the shop has margins, the frame around the print is worth something. But I did the math on my time and it came out to something like €12 an hour including the design work. The museum is making a 125% markup on my labor and I'm the one who did everything but put it on the shelf. I don't know what the right number would have been. €120? €150? I'm scared to ask for that because I'm not a name yet and I keep thinking, what if they just say no and I lose the connection? But also, what's the connection worth if it's structured like this?

Had a piece ready for welding last month, a big steel armature that needed a structural weld I couldn't do in my own shop. Got a quote from a foundry I've used before for $600. Dropped it off. Picked it up and the invoice was $1,200. Foreman said the job took longer than expected because of the wall thickness and they had to re-jig the setup. No call to warn me, no authorization. Just the work done and the new price. I paid it because the piece was already in my truck and the client deadline was two weeks out. But I sat in the parking lot for five minutes first. That's the part I keep thinking about. Not whether they were right or wrong. Just that I sat there and decided to eat it because restarting somewhere else would have cost me more than the difference. Still don't know if that was smart or weak. Probably both.

Kid working the register, maybe 19, real sweet, asked if I went to the art institute across town. I said nope, self taught. He goes "oh, so like YouTube?" and I laughed and said the internet and a lot of years of being bad at it. But I drove home kind of hot about it. Not at him. At me. Because here's the thing nobody tells you. There's no last day. No graduation where someone hands you a paper that says you know what you're doing. I've been making work for eleven years and I still open a face and think, I don't know how to do this, I've just done it a bunch of times and one of those times it was right. I have a stack of drawings from year two that would genuinely upset you. Bad proportions, dead eyes, everything floating. I kept them on purpose. When I'm convinced I've lost it I pull one out and go, ok but look at that jaw, you couldn't do that jaw back then. Anyway I'm in the middle of a big oil right now, a torso, and I've repainted the same shoulder four times. Four. It's finally starting to breathe. If you went the school route, I'm not coming for you. I'm jealous of the structure some days. But if you're self taught and you still feel like you're faking it, you're not. You're just the only one grading your own work and you're a harsh grader.

I have been trying to paint a good English oak acorn since 2012 and I finally finished one that doesn't embarrass me. The trouble has never been the acorn itself. It is the cupule, the scaly cap. Every botanical artist who attempts it for real discovers that each scale is a tiny overlapping structure with its own highlight, and if you render every one faithfully it becomes a texture map, not a drawing. If you simplify, you lose the species. Quercus robur has those small, flat, appressed scales and there is no forgiving shortcut to them. The breakthrough was embarrassingly simple. I stopped painting scales and started painting light across scales. One wash for the form, then a dry brush that followed the contour instead of the individual scale edges, and let the paper do the rest. Thirteen years on the same subject is a strange thing to be proud of, but there is something to be said for the version of patience that keeps returning to the same fruit because you know you have not quite met it yet. I matted it this afternoon and it is hanging in my studio where I have to look at it. It can withstand that now.

i ordered pastelmat like i always do and somehow ended up with a pad of canson mi-teintes that's way too smooth. the pastel just sits on top, doesn't bite, three layers and it's already muddy. i was so annoyed i almost threw it in the bin. but i have been working on the same reference for four days now on paper i hate and something weird is happening. because it's not taking the pastel well i have to be more careful, work lighter, actually plan each stroke instead of just smudging everything into a blur. the face i'm doing has more structure than anything i've made in months. it looks like a drawing instead of a dream i had. i think sometimes the wrong materials teach you something the right ones can't. or maybe i'm just making peace with wasting twenty quid on paper i won't buy again.🙂

Been wrestling with this same piece since Monday. Big charcoal study of a seated figure, hip tilted, weight on one hand. Could not get the left shoulder to sit right. Kept pushing the value darker thinking that would fix it. Made it worse and worse and worse. Finally stepped back this morning and realized I'd drawn the whole arm wrong at the structural level. The angle was off by maybe ten degrees from the start and everything I did after that was just trying to prop up a mistake instead of undoing it. Erased the whole arm down to the paper. Redid it in like twenty minutes. Now it works. Hate that I spent three days being stubborn when the answer was just admit I was wrong and start over. Love that the drawing is finally saying what I wanted it to say. Both feelings true at once. Anyone else ever fight a piece for days only to realize the fix was way simpler than you were letting it be? Or is that just me and my brilliant stubborn brain 😭