Gessoed over a whole painting today
third layer of gesso on top of a piece I've been sitting with since February. it was fine. that's the problem. it was fine.
I keep a tin of cheap white on the shelf just for this. it feels like erasing a bad answer on a test, except the test is my life and I'm 45 and I still don't know what the question was. the paper underneath was one of my brother's old phone bills, all these little line items from 2009, calls I can't place. his handwriting in the margins. I was using it as a ground and then I painted like I was decorating a hotel lobby.
so it's gone. under white. and honestly the wall where it was hanging looks better now, which is a weird thing to notice.
I don't think this is a post about "trusting the process." I think I just wasted four months and I'm trying to make it sound intentional.
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the gesso tin on the shelf is real. i've got one too and i hate how calm it is about it.
what gets me here is the phone bill. you built on top of your brother's handwriting and then painted something safe over it, and the safe part is the thing you're grieving, not the piece. i've done the hotel lobby thing. everyone has. it's what happens when you're scared of the ground you're standing on.
i don't think it's gone though. white is a layer, not a delete. you can scrape back into it, sand it, let the line items ghost through. some of my best pieces are the ones where i failed at erasing something.
45 doesn't mean you should know the question by now. my abuela is 81 and still asks me what i'm making like it's the first time she's hearing it.
"white is a layer, not a delete" ok that got me. i've been treating it like a verdict all week.
the scrape back thing i've never actually tried, i always sand and then panic and repaint. scared of what comes up i guess. but the line items ghosting through, that's kind of the whole point isn't it. i didn't want them legible, i wanted them there.
gonna sit with it a few days before i touch it. the tin is back on the shelf and i'm not opening it.