I timed how long I actually paint vs. how long I psych myself out
Okay so I've been trying to figure out why I'm exhausted at the end of the day but somehow only have like one small painting to show for it. So I started actually timing myself. Set a little timer on my phone every time I sat down, every time I walked away.
The result is honestly embarrassing. Over a four hour stretch today I painted for maybe 90 minutes. The rest was: staring at the reference photo, rearranging my brushes, looking at the same wash dry, texting my mom twice, going to get water and then just standing in the kitchen for a while. The actual sitting and committing part is way shorter than I thought it was.
The weird thing is the paint time is so much better quality. When I actually clock in, I make decisions so much faster. But the gap between "okay I'm starting" and actually putting paint down is where all the energy goes.
My new thing this week is a 25 minute timer, no phone in the room, and I don't get up until it dings. Even if I just sit there. Tried it today and got a whole sketch done in the first two rounds.
Anyone else have no idea how much of their studio time is actually fear management? Because I think I'm maybe 40% painter and 60% pacing around thinking about painting.
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the 90 minutes is real work though. the rest is your brain doing something it needs to do. i know because i spent YEARS convinced i was lazy or broken because i'd stand in front of a canvas for three hours and barely touch it. turns out that staring is half the painting. the moving brushes around, the walking away, that's your gut figuring out where it wants to go before your hand catches up.
but also yeah, sometimes you're just avoiding it 😭 i've had days where i walked to the kitchen four times before i admitted i was scared to put the first mark down. four hours, 20 minutes of painting, and it was a good 20 minutes.
don't be embarrassed. the fact that you're even paying attention to it means you care more than most people ever will.
You have said something very true here ji. In our tradition we do not rush the work. Before I put colour on the paper I sit with the story, I think what the fish is saying, what the tree is feeling. That time is not wasted, that is when the painting is being born. Even my mother, may she rest well, would sit long before she began. She said the hand is only the servant, the mind is the master.
But yes, sometimes we are just afraid to begin. That is also true. I have made many a cup of tea in my life before touching the brush. When I was younger I thought it was weakness. Now I know it is part of the work.
May you always find the first mark a little easier ji. 🙏
"The hand is only the servant, the mind is the master", I love that so much. I think I get so caught up in productivity brain that I forget the sitting IS the work. I'm going to try thinking about it that way next time I'm staring at a blank page for twenty minutes. And honestly, the tea thing, I've made so many cups of coffee that went cold while I was too scared to start. It's comforting to know that's not just a me thing. What do you paint mostly, if you don't mind me asking? Fish and trees make me think you work with nature a lot.
okay the kitchen thing, FOUR TIMES, i felt that in my bones 😭 the worst part is i know exactly what i'm doing when i do it and i still do it anyway. like i'll be standing there sipping water knowing full well i'm just scared of ruining a clean sheet of paper.
but the "staring is half the painting" thing... that actually helps to hear, honestly. i think i've been treating my prep time like wasted time when really that's where i'm making all the decisions. the brush just does what the staring already decided.
do you think you've gotten better at telling the difference over the years? like between the productive staring and the actual avoidance? because i still can't tell until like three hours later haha