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found this solid oak side table at an estate sale yesterday. nothing special, someone's boring coffee table from 1987, couple of water rings, drawer stuck. fifty bucks. i brought it home and spent the afternoon sanding it down and putting the first coat of this deep indigo on it. posted a progress picture and my neighbor (who i barely know) texts me "why would you paint over that wood? you're ruining it." like. it's a mass-produced table from sears. it's not a heirloom. it had a sticker on the bottom. i'm not ruining anything, i'm making it not ugly. and even if it was a nice piece, it's mine? i can do what i want with my own stuff? this weird reverence for raw wood drives me insane. not everything has to stay the color god made it. sometimes things look better with paint on them.

My daylight lamp gave up after seven years, the one I've matched every colour against. So today I went to the shop and the only full-spectrum option they had was an LED panel that hums and makes everything look slightly blue-green. I tried to match a skin tone I've mixed a hundred times and it came out wrong, muddy, like a bruise. I know it's just a lamp. I know. But I sat there for about twenty minutes convinced I've forgotten how to paint, that all those years of doing this were a fluke and now the one lamp that knew me is gone. Then I remembered I'd left the blinds open and there was actual sun coming in, so the whole panic was literally just bad lighting. Still painted the whole afternoon under the hum anyway because I'd already dragged the thing up the stairs and I'm stubborn. Anyone else have one piece of kit that's basically furniture now and the thought of replacing it is worse than the actual replacement?

I shifted my worktable three inches toward the window last week, chasing the winter light, and it has thrown off my entire system. The water jar is now exactly where my brush hand lands when I reach for the palette. I have knocked it over twice. Twice in one week, which is twice more than in the previous eight years combined. The annoying part is I know precisely why it happened. My table has marks on the floor where the legs sit, worn into the boards over time. I ignored them. I thought the light would be worth it. It was not worth it. I have spent more time wiping up rose madder than I have painting. The real lesson, I suppose, is that a studio is not a room, it is a set of habits with furniture in it. I have moved the table back and I am trying not to be cross with myself for the lost week. Tomorrow I will repaint the page I ruined and we will all pretend it never happened.

Yesterday a visitor to the cooperative bought one of my smaller fish-and-lotus pieces for ₹1200. Three days of fine line work with the brush, the natural pigment, the handmade paper that I prepare myself. When I counted it out, it came to less than what a plumber charges for a single visit in Patna. I did not bargain. The price was fixed because the cooperative fixed it, and the cooperative fixes it low so that the foreign buyers and the art galleries keep coming back. My mother sold her best work for a sari and a sack of rice when I was a boy. So I should feel fortunate, no? But ji, here is the thing I cannot set aside. The same size piece, once a Delhi dealer resells it, goes for twenty times that and it hangs in a drawing room beside imported furniture. Nobody argues with that price. Only my hand is supposed to be cheap. I am not writing this to shame the young woman who bought it. She was kind and she chose my work. I am writing it because we do not speak of this enough. I have painted since I was eight years old. My fingers know these lines the way my mother's did. And some days I ask myself what my daughter's fingers will find worth doing, if this is the value of three days. I have been thinking of raising my own price for the pieces I sell directly, outside the cooperative. For a larger piece I want to ask ₹6000 and it frightens me to say it aloud. Have any of you fixed your own price after years of accepting what was given?