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ngl, i've got a pile of canvases in the corner that are like, 80% done and just staring at me. i know the move is to just push through and finish them but honestly i've been spending more time scrolling pinterest for new ideas than actually committing to these existing ones. pretty sure i've only finished like, 3 paintings this entire year. anyone else get stuck in this loop? lol

poured a bunch of time into a proper little ad setup. proper targeting, a carousel of actual finished work, a link straight to the shop. figured if people complain about the algorithm maybe it's time to just pay the damn thing. $80 later I got 14 link clicks and one DM that said "I love this, any chance of a discount for a struggling artist?" I told them I was the struggling artist and the discount was already baked in by me not knowing what my time is worth. they did not buy the thing. I know ads are supposed to be a long game and you're not supposed to judge on one round. but man. I could've bought a nice stretcher frame for that eighty bucks and had something to show for it.

So I was brutalizing a canvas at 1am, the one that wasn't working, and I filmed 20 seconds of myself just slashing at it out of pure frustration, no plan, no caption strategy, phone propped on a paint can. Posted it the way you post something you don't care about because you're too tired to care. 106k views. My best planned post this month did 800. I've been sitting here trying to reverse engineer what the hell happened. Was it the rawness? The fact that I didn't look "on", I looked like a person actually struggling with the thing, not a person performing struggling with the thing? The lighting was garbage. I had no ring light. I genuinely look like a raccoon in it. It's making me question every polished thing I've put out. Like do people smell the production the way dogs smell fear. The comment section was full of people just... being honest about their own blocked creative work. Nobody even asked about the painting. It wasn't about the art. It was about watching someone not be okay for a second and keep going anyway. Anyway now everything I post feels fake in comparison and I hate that. But also maybe that's the answer and I just need to accept my content strategy is "genuinely losing it, filmed badly." 😭

It's not even the first time she's said something like this. But today it landed differently because I was actually in the middle of painting, a house on Wheeler Road that's being demolished next month, and she walked in, looked over my shoulder, and said it so casually. Like it was just obvious. Like I was a child playing with paints. I didn't say anything back. What do you even say? I have an architecture degree, I worked at a firm for seven years, I know what a "real" career looks like. I chose to leave it. Doesn't make the painting less serious to me but try explaining that to someone who watched you struggle through five years of college and waited for you to "settle." I keep thinking maybe if I had a gallery show or sold more or had some external marker of success it would shut this up. But also maybe it wouldn't. Anyone else's family just not see what you do as work?

I've painted probably 40 or 50 pieces since I picked this back up, and I think I've kept exactly three. The rest go to family, friends, the local fair, or sit stacked in the corner of my office waiting to be dealt with. I don't know why I'm so weird about keeping them. Almost like keeping one for myself feels indulgent or presumptuous or something. Anyway. This weekend I finally framed one I did back in January, a little still life with pears and a blue cloth, and hung it in the kitchen above the coffee maker. Every time I walk past it I stop and look at it for a second. It's not perfect but it's mine and I like seeing it there. My 8-year-old said "that looks like real pears" which might be the best review I've ever gotten. Anyone else struggle to keep what they make?

Scanned a pastel this week that I nearly didn't bother with. The face was too soft, the chin I'd redrawn three times still sat wrong, and I almost deleted the photo on my phone. But I'd promised a friend I'd send her something, so I scanned it anyway and made a print test. It's the first thing that's sold twice in two days. Small A5 edition, €18 each, and both buyers DM'd the same thing, "the quiet one." The one I thought was a failure. I keep having this happen and I don't know what to do with it. My eye is ruthless and probably wrong. The pieces I'm proud of sit there, the ones I want to bury get attention. Is it that people feel the struggle in a piece? Or is my judgment just genuinely off about what works? I've started uploading everything lately, even the rejects, as a discipline. It's not a strategy, it's me not trusting myself less. But something about that is working and I'd rather understand it than thank my luck again.

A small gallery in the 6th asked to see my recent work in November. She came to the studio, spent an hour, was polite. Then she told me the paintings were "trop léchées", too finished. As if the finish were a failure of nerve. She said her clients like to feel the struggle, the doubt. I sat with that for the train home and I'm still not sure if it's an insult or a market fact. Because here's what I keep turning over. I spent four years learning to bring an edge into focus without it looking like I tried. Now the advice is to unlearn it, to leave the hand visible. And maybe she's right about the buyers, maybe the collector wants to see the artist thinking. But I painted a hand last month and I want it to look like a hand. The thinking is there, it's just not performing. I don't have a resolution to this. I have a stack of finished canvases and a nagging feeling that "finished" became a dirty word while I was teaching in my thirties and not paying attention. Voilà.

so I've been tracking every reel for two months because I have a spreadsheet and no chill, and honestly the numbers are embarrassing in a way that's kind of freeing? my neat overhead timelapse of a finished iris, edited, music, the whole thing: 1,200 views, zero dms. the one that actually moved a painting was 47 seconds of me at 6am in my gross cardigan saying "ok I'm doing a wet on wet and I'm pretty sure I'm about to ruin it" and then NOT ruining it, and a woman messaged me asking if the original was available before the video even finished uploading. sold it for $380 which is real money to me right now. which is annoying?? because I spent actual hours on the pretty one and it did nothing. and I hate that the lesson is "be messy and relatable" because that's what everyone says and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. but I think the real difference is that the messy one shows the decision, not the result. people can't buy a result they can see is already done. they can watch you choose, though. the thing I'm stuck on: does it have to be the struggle? like can I show the decision without performing anxiety? because I'm eight months into doing this full time and the money is genuinely scary and I don't want my whole feed to become me being nervous at a window. that's not the work. the work is the work. also unrelated but I underpainted a sky in cobalt violet this morning and it's doing something to me

The steel door into my space on the edge of Žižkov is a joke. Industrial, from some factory that got sold for apartments, and it needs a shoulder to get moving. Every morning I tell myself I'll oil the hinge and every morning I shove it instead. I think I've decided the struggle is part of starting. Like the work can't begin until I've earned entry. Which is nonsense, but nonsense that gets me through the threshold. Today I found a child's wooden shoe last in a box of scrap I bought off a man in Kolín. Someone wore that thing maybe 1940s, the heel worn smooth on one side. It doesn't fit anything I'm building. I put it on the shelf anyway because some objects you just let be what they were. Not everything has to become art. That took me fifty years to learn and I'm still not sure I believe it.

Finished a big piece today, got it photographed, sent it off. Felt good for about four hours. Then I'm telling this woman at the framer's what I do and she looks at a photo and goes, "oh, the gaps, did you run out of grout?" No. They're deliberate, they're part of the drawing, the negative space is doing half the work. But I just said "no, it's a choice" and smiled and paid for my frame. It's the ones who think they're being kind that get me. Nobody walks up to a painter and asks if the brushstrokes were a mistake. But mosaic invites it somehow, because people assume the chaos came first and the order was a struggle that maybe failed. I've been cutting and setting stone by hand for twenty years and I still said "it's a choice" instead of what I actually wanted to say, which was "the gaps are the point, stare at a Byzantine floor sometime." I know I should let it slide. I'm still annoyed at myself for the soft answer more than at her. No question, just needed that said out loud where someone might get it. 🙂

I spent years putting only the final work online. Perfect lighting, good photo, the painting resolved. Crickets, mostly. A few likes from other painters. A few months ago I was frustrated with a figure painting, the hand was wrong for the fourth time, the whole thing looked a mess, and I took a photo of it on the easel with my palette旁边, just to vent to a painter friend. I put it on Instagram almost without thinking. That post got more comments than anything I'd put up in six months. People like to see the struggle. They like to see that you also don't know what you're doing for a while. I think for a long time I thought showing process would somehow diminish the finished work, like revealing the trick. But most people aren't painters. They have no idea what goes into it, and watching something get ugly and then get pulled back out of the ugly, that's the part they actually want to see. I'm still not comfortable with it. I was trained to show only the resolved thing. But I can't argue with the numbers, and more to the point I can't argue with the fact that the conversations are better. People ask real questions instead of just saying "beautiful." Wondering if anyone else has found that the unfinished, uncertain thing gets more traction than the polished final version.

So I did this really stupid thing where I spent January keeping a spreadsheet of every like, comment, share, and save on every post I made across Instagram and Bluesky. I thought I'd find a pattern, you know? Something to reverse engineer. What I found is that the posts I spent hours on, proper process videos, well-lit shots of finished work, thoughtful captions, they got practically nothing. Meanwhile a quick phone photo of my pastel box with the caption "messy desk, trying to start" got triple the engagement. One time I posted a timelapse where I accidentally filmed myself sighing and rubbing my face before starting and people went crazy for it. I don't know what to do with this information. I want to be taken seriously as an artist but apparently what works is showing myself being a mess. Is the answer really just... performative struggle? Because I have plenty of that for free, but it feels wrong to lean into it on purpose.

I've been struggling with achieving a true, permanent deep red for a series of studies on Papaver somniferum. Cadmium reds, while vibrant, tend to shift towards orange over time, and alizarin crimson isn't entirely lightfast for this kind of archival work. My current approach involves layering a small amount of quinacridone red with a touch of ultramarine blue, glazed over a base of burnt sienna. It’s a painstaking process, but the resulting depth and stability are, I think, worth the effort. Does anyone else have a preferred method for this particular hue?

There's a still life on my easel I've repainted the same fold of cloth on six times since February. Terracotta pot, two pears going brown, a white bowl with a chip in the rim. Nothing worth anything to anyone. A woman came Thursday to see the big interior I've been struggling with. She looked at it for maybe ninety seconds, polite, and then turned around and pointed at the small study of the pot and asked if it was for sale. I said yes before I'd decided anything. She paid what I asked without blinking, which told me I asked too little, and I don't care. She came back Saturday with her husband to collect it and told me she'd been looking for a painting of a kitchen for eleven years. Eleven years. The whole time I was teaching figure drawing to people who didn't want to learn it, painting almost nothing, this woman was walking around looking for my pot. I didn't sleep well that night. Not from the money. From something else, harder to name. Ten years of telling myself the work was fine sitting in the studio, and then one stranger's hand hovering over the surface, not quite touching, and I understood I'd been lying to myself a little. Anyway. She's hanging it in her kitchen where the pot will get afternoon light, which is where it belonged all along.

I spent yesterday and most of today on one horse chestnut leaf. Just the leaf, not the tree or any kind of composition, a specimen study. Eleven hours, which is absurd for a single leaf that will go into a reference folder and may never be seen by anyone but me. But I finally got the transition from the main vein to the secondary veins to look the way it should. That subtle flattening of the green as it moves out toward the edge, where the light catches the pubescence. I have been trying and failing to render that particular softness for about two years. It is not a win that will make sense to most people. But I have been struggling with a certain stiffness in my work lately, and this felt like a crack in the wall. One leaf, properly done. I will take it.

i spent like three years trying to do instagram right. good lighting, process videos, consistent posting, the whole algorithm courtship. and it got me... some likes from other artists. nice, but nobody buying. then last winter i was in a total meltdown about a piece that wasn't working. snapped a picture of my studio floor covered in torn scraps and charcoal dust and coffee rings, wrote something like "well this isn't going anywhere" and posted it without thinking. that one post got more replies than anything i'd done that year. two people commissioned work from it. so now i just send the ugly stuff. the failed experiments, the half-finished things i'm unsure about, the mess. i think people want to see the struggle, not the finished product. they want proof you're actually in the trenches, not just curating a highlight reel. my engagement is down by every metric that matters to an algorithm and my actual sales are up. make it make sense.

Just quoted a small bronze casting, maybe 10 pounds of metal. The foundry's minimum charge is $1500. That's before any finishing work. I had to tell the client it's going to cost more than the actual metal. It’s hard to make a living on these small pieces when the overhead is the same as a much larger job. You end up losing money or scaring people off with the price. Anyone else struggle with this on smaller commissions?

I rearranged my studio last week, moved my desk ninety degrees so the north-facing window is now behind my left shoulder instead of in front of me. It sounds minor, but it has completely altered how I see the page. I'm suddenly noticing the subtle yellow undertone in what I thought was a neutral paper. My mixes look different. I had to adjust my entire wash strategy. It's a reminder that so much of what we call skill is really just set-up. I spent years blaming my brush control for results that were actually about bad light. If you're struggling with something fundamental, try changing where you sit before you change your technique. It costs nothing and it might be the thing.

I knew it was gonna be hard to be an animator, constant struggle and always looking for something, did i think it would be THIS hard? No, its like I am being tested, I love what i do. but i feel so lost collage does not do much to help get you ready, your thrown in without any kind of help. Im slowly realizing that as much as I love animation I am gravitating towards illustration and creative design. feels like I am loosing time... Its terrifying

I've heard so many stories about the struggle to get representation, which is real, bof. But I'm curious about what happens after. What's the strangest or most unexpected thing that happened once a gallery actually agreed to show your work? Was it a difficult client, a weird promotion, something totally bizarre? Tell me something that happened after the 'yes'. For me, it was being asked to paint a portrait of the owner's poodle for their birthday. C'est ça.