I took a commission back in February for a 16x20 landscape, a friend of a friend wanted a specific view from their vacation photos. I quoted $200 which is usually fair for that size and my level. What I didn't account for was the two weeks I spent staring at those reference photos, trying to figure out how to handle the lighting, sketching thumbnails in my head while I was folding laundry, completely rethinking the composition twice before I even touched a brush. By the time I actually started painting I had probably put in 6-8 hours of just... mental labor. And I didn't charge for any of it. Finished it in about 10 hours of actual painting time so the math works out to like $12/hour before supplies. I know you can't really bill for "thinking about it" but also, that was work, you know? It was work. I'm trying to figure out how to price differently next time without feeling like I'm nickel-and-diming someone. Maybe just raise the flat rate enough to cover it and stop overthinking.
i have run out of titanium white at least six times this year and every time i tell myself i'll just buy the big tube this time. and then i don't. i buy the little one again because i refuse to admit how much white i actually go through. it feels like buying a jumbo jar of mayonnaise. i'm not ready to be that person. meanwhile i have a tube of pthalo green i bought in 2019 that still looks brand new. i think it's mocking me.
There's this old bungalow on Nandi Durga Road, one of those Art Deco ones with the curved verandah and the beautiful terrible paint job, salmon pink over original white, peeling everywhere. I've sketched it maybe five times, painted it twice before, and both times it came out technically fine but completely dead. No life in it. Like a photograph but worse. Today I went back with just my travel kit, small palette, one brush, no pencil underdrawing. Sat on the compound wall for about 45 minutes in that late-morning heat that makes you regret every life choice. And something just… unlocked. I let the watercolour bleed into the sketchy ink lines. Didn't try to fix the wonky bits. Left the verandah half-raw. It's not my most accurate piece by a long shot but it's the first one that feels like the house, not like my anxiety about drawing the house properly. Anyway I'm still riding that high. Chai and Marie biscuits kind of celebration tonight. 🙏
Third time was the charm but god it hurt. I'm working on this piece, a dog's face, big, maybe 70cm square, all in smalti, and the curve of the jaw wanted a flow I just couldn't feel at first. Cut it, laid it, stood up, looked at it. Wrong. Took it out. Next day, same thing. Wrong again. It's not even the time that gets you, it's the doubt. Is this actually wrong or am I too close to it? Do I keep pushing or trust the knot in my stomach? With mosaic especially there's no fixing it later, once it's set you're not moving it without damage. So you sit there with a hammer and a pair of tweezers and you just have to feel it before you cut. Anyway. Day after tomorrow I start the ear and I think I've got the flow now. Maybe. We'll see.
okay so there's this window in my apartment that gets this specific soft afternoon light around 3pm and I've been trying to catch it for like... months now. This month alone I've done 14 studies of it. 14. Same window, same view of the neighbor's slightly sad little balcony, different light every time. My partner thinks I've lost it. Maybe I have. But here's the thing – every single time I think I've figured out how to paint that quality of light, the next day it's different and I realize I was wrong. The color temperature shifts, or there's a haze, or the whole thing goes golden for like twenty minutes before it's gone. Watercolor is SO unforgiving about this because you can't just paint over it, you have to get it right while it's wet or you lose it forever. And I keep losing it. My mom called yesterday and asked if I'd sold any of them yet and I was like Mom I can't sell them they're all failures. She didn't get it. But I think there's something in the repetition, you know? Like each one teaches me something the last one couldn't. I'm not chasing a perfect painting, I'm chasing understanding how light actually works. Anyway I laid them all out on the floor last night to compare and honestly it's kind of beautiful seeing them together even if none of them are The One. Might keep going until I run out of paper or winter comes and the light changes completely. Then I guess I'll start over.
I had this little still life of a mason jar with some wildflowers I picked on a walk. Simple thing. But I couldn't get the glass right, the light was bouncing weird, the stems looked like they were floating in there instead of sitting in water. I scraped it down twice, walked away from it for a month, came back and scraped it down a third time. At some point I just wanted it out of my sight so I stuck it in the "we'll see" pile under my table at the local fall fair, priced at $25 because I felt weird charging more for something I'd hated half the time. A woman walked by, stopped, came back. She said it looked like the kitchen window at her grandmother's house. She teared up a little. I almost teared up a little. She paid $25 and I felt like I was robbing her. Still not sure I nailed the glass. But I guess that's not the point.
I've been carving the same basic composition of a sitting hare for about two years now, on and off. Same pose, same rough size, and every time I think I've got it licked I pull a proof and the head's wrong or the ear's too stiff or the whole thing just sits there on the paper like a stuffed toy. Dead. Anyway I cut a new block last week out of sheer stubbornness, Japanese vinyl this time instead of the battleship grey I usually use, because why not change everything, and I pulled a proof this morning and I swear to God it's the first one that actually breathes. There's a life in the eye that wasn't there before. The line down the flank has the right weight to it. I don't know what I did different, or maybe I know exactly but can't put words on it. Just years of getting it wrong till one day you don't. Anyone else have that one subject or composition you keep coming back at because it won't let you go? The one you're not done with yet.
What's the longest a gallery has dragged their feet paying you after a sale? I'm not talking about the standard "net 30" that turns into net 90. I'm talking about the one where you had to email six times, where they had excuses every time, where you started to feel crazy asking for money they already collected from a collector. My record is 5 months. Small gallery, loved the space, they sold three pieces in the first month. Then silence. Every time I followed up it was "accounting issues" or "the collector hasn't paid yet" (which I later found out was a lie). Finally got paid after I threatened to name them on a Facebook group. Felt disgusting the whole time. Tell me your worst. How long? Did you ever not get paid at all?
I finally did it. Went from €80 to €95 for a full day workshop, materials included, seawater hauling not. Two people who'd been coming every month for over a year just stopped replying. Not even a "that's too much now" or a goodbye. Just silence. I know €95 for a day of my time, my chemicals, my paper, the space, the clean-up, I know that's not a lot. I know that. But it felt like a lot to say out loud. And now I'm sitting here wondering if I should have stayed quiet and kept them. The worst part is I don't even think €15 is what stopped them. I think it was the act of me naming it. Like me raising my price broke something they'd assumed about me, that I'd always be the cheap option, the artist who does it for love. And I am doing it for love. That's exactly the problem.
A decorator from Atlanta came through here a few months back, bought a big improvisational piece I'd done, maybe 72 by 90, all in these warm ochres and deep blues, took me the better part of a month on and off between everything else. I charged her $1,200. Felt fair at the time. She didn't haggle, wrote the check, had me ship it. My granddaughter showed me the decorator's website last week. That same quilt's listed at $7,200 in a client's home. "Custom artisan textile" or some such. Now I'm not mad about the free market, I understand how that world works. But I look at what I charged her and I think about my grandmother who would've gotten maybe fifty dollars for a quilt she put her whole self into, if anybody bought it at all. And I think about how I'm still pricing myself like I'm selling at the church bazaar. Somebody out there thinks this work is worth seven thousand dollars. Maybe I ought to start believing them.
So I finally did it. Added 150zł to my base price for a head-and-shoulders pastel portrait. 150. That's like... 35 euro. And I've been sitting here all evening convincing myself I'll never get another commission again. Thing is, I was still charging what I charged when I was visibly worse. I look at my old posts and I cringe. But the fear that people were only tolerating the price because they felt sorry for me, that's hard to shake. Like the new price will make them look at my work properly and go "oh, no, not for that." I know it's not rational. I know my materials cost alone has gone up. I just didn't expect to feel this weird about it. Did anyone else feel like a fraud the first time they raised their rates? Does it go away?
a robin landed on my windowsill this morning and just stayed. the whole time i painted. didnt care about me at all, preened a bit, watched the brush move. i got more done in two hours than all of last week. it left the second i reached for my phone so no photo of the bird, but here's what i made while it sat there
Every time I sit down to a fresh sheet, handmade paper, the one I like from the Srikrishna batch we got last year, I tell myself I will do something new this time. A different composition. Maybe the wedding scene I have been thinking about since my niece's marriage last month. But my hand, it goes to the dhaan. The paddy stalks. That old motif curving from the corner, the grains full and heavy, dropping toward the bottom edge. My mother used to say it is not decoration, it is a prayer, for the land, for the stomach, for the season coming right. I put it in even when the painting is about Durga or the fish or the tree of life. Sometimes I hide it small behind a border so only the person who looks carefully will see it. My grandmother told me once: if you paint the dhaan enough times, the goddess will recognise your hand and bless your harvest. I was a boy then, I thought she meant the rice harvest. Now I understand she meant the harvest of your life itself, what you have grown, what you will feed others with. So today again, starting a new piece for an exhibition in Patna next month. And there it is. The paddy stalks already. I did not even decide. They just came. 🙏
So I finally worked up the nerve to paint my grandmother's childhood home, the one she grew up in, in a little town near Mangalore. She's told me about it so many times. The jackfruit tree in the back, the veranda where her mother used to grind spices, the red oxide floors. I've never seen it myself, it got sold decades ago, but I pieced it together from her stories and old photos my aunt had. Finished it last week and showed her yesterday. And she just looked at it for a long time and said "which house is this?" I explained, and she went quiet. Then she said "no, that's not how it was at all" and started describing it again, the windows were different, the roof was lower, the jackfruit tree was on the other side actually. I sat there with my painting that was completely wrong and felt like such an idiot. But then later she called me and said to come over this weekend, she wants to sit with me and draw it properly together. She said "I'll tell you where every brick goes, you put it down." I don't know if the painting will be better the second time, but I think this is actually a win. Just not the kind you frame right away.
poured a bunch of time into a proper little ad setup. proper targeting, a carousel of actual finished work, a link straight to the shop. figured if people complain about the algorithm maybe it's time to just pay the damn thing. $80 later I got 14 link clicks and one DM that said "I love this, any chance of a discount for a struggling artist?" I told them I was the struggling artist and the discount was already baked in by me not knowing what my time is worth. they did not buy the thing. I know ads are supposed to be a long game and you're not supposed to judge on one round. but man. I could've bought a nice stretcher frame for that eighty bucks and had something to show for it.
Had a client last month, wanted a watercolour of her childhood home in Malleswaram, the one that got sold and is probably going to become an apartment building soon. She was lovely, genuinely emotional about it. But she wanted a detailed breakup of costs before confirming. Paper, paint, framing, my time. Itemised. I sat down and did it properly. Paper is Arches, 300gsm, cold press, a full sheet costs about ₹1,200 now. Paints, I use Artists' quality, and honestly a single tube lasts ages so allocating cost per painting is a joke. Framing with archival mount and UV glass runs around ₹2,500-3,000 here. And then I put down my time at what I thought was a modest ₹500 an hour. Came to about ₹8,000 for the whole thing. She looked at it and said "that's a lot for a painting." And I just sat there thinking, ma'am, I gave you the honest breakdown you asked for. ₹500 an hour is less than what I made as a junior architect ten years ago. The materials alone plus framing eat up almost half of it. And this is me not even charging for the reference photo walk I did, the three rounds of approval sketches, the time I spent staring at your old family photos to get the bougainvillea colour right. I didn't say any of that. I just smiled and said I could adjust the framing to something simpler. She agreed. The painting came out nice. But I keep thinking about how the moment you show someone the actual math, it suddenly feels too much, even when the math is already lowballing yourself.
I got this old adjustable lamp my son found at a yard sale, must be from the 70s, green enamel shade all chipped up. I keep it aimed just so at my cutting table where the afternoon sun comes through the window and I swear there's this ten minute window around six o'clock where the light hits the fabric just right and I can see every thread and every stitch clear as day. Built the whole corner around that little stretch of time. I know it's silly but I'll sit there with my scissors and my strips and wait on it. That's my favorite time to work. Everything slows down. Y'all got a time of day that just works for what you do?
Been working a piece of French limestone for six days now. Every time I think I've found the line, the stone throws a hidden vein or a fissure I didn't see and I have to stop and rethink. Not the kind you can bully through. You push and it'll break in the wrong place. Put it down and walked away three times today. Came back the third time and just sat on the bench looking at it for twenty minutes. Didn't touch a tool. My father would have called that lazy. I call it listening. Finally took off about half a kilo in one go that felt right. Tomorrow I'll probably hate it. That's how it goes sometimes.
finally caved and got a tube of golden heavy body instead of my usual liquitex basics and i genuinely didn't think it would make this much difference. the pigment load is absurd. i used half as much and got twice the coverage. feels like i was fighting my materials before and didn't even realize it. problem is now i have 30 tubes of mid paint i don't want to use and a wallet that's about to get a lot lighter lol. this is how they get you.
Right so, I'm thinking back to the early days, before I knew hide nor hair about anything really. I had this batch of prints, right, proper proud of them too, and I decided this one gallery in the city was the only place they'd ever live. So I marched in, all a-flutter with nerves and hope, and I'd got this portfolio under my arm, thinking I was the next big thing. The gallerist, a fella with a stare that could curdle milk, took one look at my stuff, barely flicked a page, and then just said, 'We don't do this here.' Didn't say what this was, didn't offer a shred of advice, just shut me down cold. Took me a good few weeks to even pick up a carving tool again after that. What's your worst gallery rejection story, the one that still makes you wince?
