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My son asked me yesterday why I don't just buy the ready made colours from the market, saves so much time he says. I tried to explain but maybe I did not say it properly. You see, when I grind the stone and the vegetable dye myself, I am not only making paint. I am doing what my mother did, and her mother before her. The motion of the stone on the stone, it is like a prayer. The smell of the turmeric, the red from the beetle nut leaf, it brings the whole room into the old time. The ready bottles are fine, they are convenient, I do not judge anyone. But my grandmother used to say the colour carries the hands that made it. A fish painted with a colour you ground yourself, it has a life in it. Also there is a practical thing. The store colours fade fast in our sun. The natural ones, they deepen with age. I have a painting from my mother that is forty years old and the peacock blue is richer now than the day she finished it. You cannot buy that in a bottle. Maybe I am old fashioned. But I think some things are worth the extra hour.

Spent yesterday smoothing out a seam on a steel piece and the dust got into the garage fridge somehow. Opened it this morning for a beer and there's a fine gray film on everything. It's not in the food, just on the bottles and the door shelves. Don't know how it gets in there. I've had the same fridge in that shop for twenty years and I still find dust in places that make no sense. Coffee cup sitting on a shelf three feet from where I was grinding, and it's got a layer on top. Anyway. Wiped it down and pulled a cold one. Not much else to say about it. Some days the work just follows you around.

This morning I made fresh gum from tamarind seeds for binding the colours. Soaking, peeling the thin brown skin, grinding the white kernel into paste. My mother used to do this and her mother before. When I was small I would sit and watch her, the slow grinding stone, the patience. Now my own hands do it and I think: this is the same gesture, passing down. We have readymade binder available in the market now, many artists use it. But for me the natural gum feels like part of the painting itself. The colour holds different. More alive maybe. Or maybe just I am old fashioned. 🙂 The kitchen smelled slightly sour this morning from the soaking. My wife said "again you are doing this Ramesh, the vessels will all get stained." But she knows. She left the mortar out for me. Anyone else here still make their own materials? Or am I the only one who cannot let go of these old ways.

A man at the mela stall yesterday watched me grinding my own pigment for a while and then told me very kindly that I should buy tube colours, because my work would look "more finished" and "sell better." He meant well, I think. He said the buyers nowadays want the bright flat colours. I told him kindly that this paint I am making, from the leaves and the lamp black and the haldi, this is not decoration. This is the painting itself. My mother ground the same way. Her mother also. You remove that, you have only a picture left, the soul is gone. He nodded and walked away. But the thought stayed with me all evening. Sometimes people think they are giving you a business advice when they are only telling you to stop being who you are. I will keep the grinding. It is slow, it stains the fingers, it is worth it.

Myself Ramesh. I want to say something that has been on my mind. In the old way, we make our own colours. Rice paste for white. Lampblack from the diya. The red from kusum flower or from geru, the earth. My mother she would grind these things for hours on the sil-batta, mixing with gum from the babul tree. The colour sits on the paper differently. It breathes. Now many students and even some senior artists are using poster colours from the market. It is faster. Also cheaper sometimes. But I look at those paintings and the line has no life. The colour is flat like plastic. You can feel no hand in it. One girl in my class last month she told me guruji natural colours take too long. I said beta that is not a problem. That is the art itself. The grinding, the mixing, the waiting, this is not wasted time. This is the painting. But I also understand. The buyers they want bright. They want quick. And we must eat. So I am conflicted ji. I use both now. Some natural for my own work, some synthetic when I must. But I feel a little shame mixing the two in one painting. Like I am cheating my grandmother. Anyone else feel this way about old materials vs new ones? Or is it only me.🙂

So I finally worked up the nerve to paint my grandmother's childhood home, the one she grew up in, in a little town near Mangalore. She's told me about it so many times. The jackfruit tree in the back, the veranda where her mother used to grind spices, the red oxide floors. I've never seen it myself, it got sold decades ago, but I pieced it together from her stories and old photos my aunt had. Finished it last week and showed her yesterday. And she just looked at it for a long time and said "which house is this?" I explained, and she went quiet. Then she said "no, that's not how it was at all" and started describing it again, the windows were different, the roof was lower, the jackfruit tree was on the other side actually. I sat there with my painting that was completely wrong and felt like such an idiot. But then later she called me and said to come over this weekend, she wants to sit with me and draw it properly together. She said "I'll tell you where every brick goes, you put it down." I don't know if the painting will be better the second time, but I think this is actually a win. Just not the kind you frame right away.

Spent three days welding a knee joint for a figure and only noticed when I went to grind the seam that I'd built it mirror-image. Left leg where the right belonged. Two hundred pounds of steel and I stood there looking at it like it was someone else's work, because it was. Shaped wrong by a man who's done this for thirty years. Cut it apart this morning. Salvaged maybe sixty percent. The rest is scrap. What bothers me isn't the wasted steel, it's that I looked at that thing off and on for three days and my eye told me it was fine. You trust the eye or you don't, and mine lied to me until my hands finally caught it. Makes me wonder what else I've shipped out that I never caught.

Six months it took to get paid for a portrait. I had almost written the money off, the usual French bitterness about commerce, and then the woman who owed it sent me to two friends and a gallery owner who now shows my work in Geneva. Not because I chased her. Because I kept painting for her while she didn't pay. She remembered that. I think we are too quick to cut people at the first late invoice. Some of the best relationships I have started with a payment that made me grind my teeth. I am not saying let people walk over you. I am saying a bad payer is not necessarily a bad patron. And a fast payer is not necessarily a friend of your work either. The gallery that strings you along for months will sometimes be the one that sells everything. The client who is slow with the check will sometimes be the one who builds your whole next year. The correlation between promptness and generosity is weak. I wish someone had told me that at thirty.

Had a structural weld fail inspection last week on a big commission. Client's engineer flagged porosity in a joint I'd been confident in. Had to grind it out, redo it, pay for the re-test out of my own pocket. Thing is, I've been doing this thirty years and I still missed it. Looked fine on the surface. I knew better and I rushed it because the deadline was pressing. Redid it slow, checked the root pass before I laid the cap over it. Passed first try. Nobody posts the failed weld. But that's the one with the actual lesson in it. The ones that pass teach you nothing. The one that fails, you remember it for the next thirty years. Re-ground a scrap piece from that job and left it on my bench as a reminder. Check the root, not the shine.

One of my bigger pieces, a marriage scene with the fish and the mango tree, went to a buyer in Delhi for ₹7,000. That sounds respectable until you sit and count the days. Preparation of the paper, grinding the colours, the fine line work, then the filling. I worked maybe four hours each day for nine days. That is thirty-six hours. Seven thousand divided by thirty-six comes to about ₹194 an hour. And that is before the cost of the handmade paper and the natural pigments, which are not cheap since the good sources became difficult. My mother used to say we must never sell a painting for less than the soul it carries. But the soul does not pay for the grandson's school books. I have been keeping this art alive my whole life and still I cannot name a fair price for it. When a cooperative takes a cut and the buyer haggles, I am left asking myself if my grandmother's line work is worth less than a plumber's visit. I raised my price to ₹8,500 this month. I am scared to go higher because the buyers are not many. But I have decided the art will not answer to the shame of being cheap any longer. If it sells, good. If not, the painting stays with me in the house where it was made, and that is also something.

I've been with the same gallery since 2009. They sold my work. They took their cut. We didn't talk about it much. It worked. Got an email last week from their new director. Young guy. Said they're shifting focus to artists with "stronger direct engagement." Which means they want me to do their job for them online. I got a 400-pound granite piece in my studio right now that nobody's seen. I'm trying to figure out if I should drag it out and film myself grinding on it, or just keep working and see what happens. Neither option feels right. Anyone else getting this from their gallery lately? The "we love your work but also can you become a content creator" talk?

Been meaning to say this for a while. If you're welding galvanized steel in your studio without proper ventilation, stop. The zinc oxide fumes will give you something called metal fume fever. Feels like the worst flu of your life for about 24 hours. I got it once in my twenties working on a stair railing in a garage with the door half open. Thought I was dying. Called my father thinking it was a heart attack. He told me to drink milk and go to sleep. Actually worked, but I wouldn't recommend the experience. Wear a respirator. Not a dust mask. A proper respirator with the right cartridges. Or grind the galvanization off the weld area first. Takes an extra ten minutes and saves you a day of shaking on the bathroom floor. That's all. Just something nobody warned me about and I keep seeing people skip.

Sold a piece last month. 4 feet tall, welded steel plate, took me about 90 hours counting design and grinding and the finish. I charged $3,800. Buyer was happy. I should be happy. But I broke it down after. Material was $620 in steel and welding gas. Gallery takes 40%. So I cleared about $1,660 for those 90 hours. Thats $18.44 an hour before taxes. I know guys who frame houses for $35 an hour cash. My nephew does HVAC and clears six figures. I'm not saying I want to do HVAC. But I've been at this 30 years and I still cant figure out how to charge what the work is actually worth without pricing myself out of the market. The gallery tells me $3,800 is already pushing it for a sculptor nobody's heard of outside the region. I look at that hourly rate and it feels like I'm working backwards.

finally sat down and actually did the math on the series I wrapped in february. 4 months of painting almost daily, probably 300+ hours total between making the work, photographing it, writing statements, the whole grind. sold one painting out of 12 for $900. after materials and the stupidly expensive frames I wanted for the show... $642 net. that's $2.14 an hour. i looked at the number for way too long and then went and did a logo for a startup i hate for $500 in like 3 hours and felt genuinely ill about which one was the better use of my time. idk what the point is other than i keep doing this to myself and i'm gonna do it again which is either stubbornness or a brain problem lol

Early in my career a gallery took my work on consignment, then called two weeks later asking if I could "soften" a piece. Wanted me to grind down the welds on a steel figure I'd spent three weeks on. I said no. They dropped me. Ever had a gallery ask you to change something that would've ruined it? Did you do it or walk?

Glove caught the disc before skin did. Cheap gloves. I know better. Been grinding steel thirty years and I still grab whatever's on the bench instead of the real ones. New rule: if it's not your good gloves, don't touch the grinder. We'll see how long that sticks.

Middle of a hot afternoon, helmet up, grinding down a seam on a steel piece I'd been fitting for two days. Guy walks into the shop, no knock, just wanders in from the alley. Stands there watching. I figure he's lost or curious, whatever. I keep working. Ten minutes. He watches me run a bead, watches me chip slag, watches me check the fit. Then he says "you know they have machines that do that now. Robots. Could just program it." I said "yeah, and you could just keep walking." He stood there another minute like he expected more of an answer. Then he left. I don't know what gets into people. They see someone doing something with their hands and the first impulse is to tell you why you don't have to. As if the point was efficiency. As if I'm trying to save labor. I'm not trying to save labor. I'm trying to make the thing.

There's a fella in the market who sharpens things for a living. Kitchen knives, secateurs, shears, he's there every Saturday with his stones and his strops and a little whetstone wheel rigged up to a bicycle chain somehow, and sure it's an education to watch him. I brought him my best carving gouge last week because I'd nicked the edge on something stupid, a staple I'd missed in a bit of lino, was raging with myself, and he handed it back and just said "whoever taught you to sharpen taught you right." And I thought about that more than I expected to. I learned from an old printer up in Sligo, man who could carve a heron's wing feather in a single cut and make it look like breathing. He taught me to sharpen dry, no oil, on a fine arkansas stone, and to feel the burr with your thumb rather than look for it. He'd say "you're not grinding metal, you're coaxing an edge out of it" and I used to think that was gas altogether till I realised he meant it. Anyway it got me thinking about how much of how we make things is just passed hand to hand like that. Little rituals. The way you hold your knife. The angle you trust without measuring. Someone showed you once and you've been doing it their way ever since, maybe without even knowing. I still sharpen dry. I check with my thumb. And I think of him every time.

Let me tell you about my first proper gallery. Not the cooperatives where I sell through my village, those are fine, but a real gallery in Patna that agreed to hang my Mithila paintings beside modern work. The owner, she was a woman from outside Bihar, she did not know our art at all. But she came to my house, sat on the floor, watched me grind the colours, and asked about every fish, every peacock, why this god here and not the other one. She did not talk about selling that day. She just listened. That is when I felt our work was being seen properly. Where was the place that first took your work seriously? Which gallery, and what did they do that made you feel it?

So I'm at this group show, standing maybe a meter from a piece of mine, and this guy walks up to the person next to him and starts explaining how mosaic is done. "They take the stones, see, and they grind them down to fit, and then they glue them onto a backing, it's very time-consuming." He's right next to me. I'm wearing the same jacket I was wearing when I was cutting that smalti at 11pm two nights before. Still have grout under my nails. And he's explaining it to someone like I'm not there, like the person who made it couldn't possibly be in the room. I said "it's actually easier than it looks" and walked away. Couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh or toss a handful of tesserae at his head. So I just went and found the wine. Does this happen to anyone else or is there a sign on my forehead that says "please explain my own job to me"?